Rose City Sisters “reject”
Dear Pasadena Adjacent,
We thoroughly enjoyed reading “Last Night I dreamt I was a Nixonette Girl.” Unfortunately, in its current state, it does not fit with our merit based editorial goals. If you’ll consider certain extreme changes, we’d like to see it again.
Sincerely , Rose City Sisters
Last Night I dreamt I was a Nixonette Girl
I grew up on the left side of a right wing town. It’s true; below the drive and on the east of the end [Huntington/San Gabriel]. While Grandmother kept busy aiding and abetting that nice young Quaker boy (in an effort to get him out of the orange groves of Yorba Linda) our local gathering of John Birchers were looking for a commie under every rose. It’s true; above the drive and on the west of the bitter end [Mission/El Molino]. And did I mention I had ambitions? Yes, BIG ambitions. I wanted to grow up to be a Nixonette girl.
Nixonettes are a select group comprised of school girls and secretaries; blonde and popular (think Breck girl). My dreams were inspired in part, by my aunt Gail. She grew up among the hills of inland San Diego. An avocado growers daughter whose family wealth can be traced to the patent of the whirly bird sprinkler head. As out doorsy types, we native hotties of the golden state are considered wholesome folk. You’ll find us dressed in red, white and blue, organizing basketball cheers so that we can drown out “Stop the War” chants from the back of the crowd. We used “Sock it to ‘em, Dick, Sock it to ‘em, Dick” to great effect.
But my dream took a dark and deviant turn. You see, The Pasadena Closet Conservative, our local patriot, eyed me with impure thoughts. He followed me into the ladies room of Whole Foods, lacing the toilet paper with rupee powder. Once I was out cold, he kidnapped me from the nearby ARCO parking lot. I awoke to find myself locked up in his Pasadena basement next to Virginia Hoge and other local neo Birchers. Tricky Dick came by nightly and entertained us on his baby grand. We took turns sitting on his lap. The closet conservative has since disappeared. Rumor has it, his “Pasadena” closet was burnt to the ground.
Our Editor responds: this blog post is a parody.
